Christmas Humor

[Licker4U]

Post your favorite Christmas joke here. This one isn't Christmas related but it is snowy Bud Light

[JackDaniel's]

LOL that was funny !

Here is something for all firefox lovers It's not a Christmas joke but I think it's extremely cute
firefox.jpg

[spacemanspiff]

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
The whole damn family was as drunk as a louse.
Grandma and Grandpa were singin' a song,
And the kid was in bed, floggin' his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse, And me out of jail,
I had just settled down for a nice piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off my sister-in-law to see what was the matter.

Away to the window, I made a mad dash,
Flew open the shutters and fell on my ass.

But what to my bloodshot eyes did appear,
A rusty old sled and twelve mangy rein deer,
I saw a shadow of a man beating his dick,
I knew in an instant it must be St. Nick.

"On dasher, on Blitzen, up over those walls,
"hurry, goddamnit, or I'll cut off your balls."

Up on the roof, he foundered and fell,
And came right down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
He staggered and stumbled on over to the door,
Tripped over his cock, and fell on the floor.

He filled all out stockings with rubbers and beer.
And left a big dildo for the family queer.

And I heard him explain, as he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all, It's been a hell of a night."

[Cleo]

Someone emailed me this,

Thanks 4 the emails in 2007 & Merry X-mas

Dear All:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
mil lion with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
Forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
Minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola Because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an
aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pi ck up the $50.00 I
found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beauticians relative once removed .

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the Mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Merry Christmas and Wishing you and yours even more insightful emails in 2008!

[Useless]

Originally Posted by Licker4U

Post your favorite Christmas joke here.

Mary was a virgin.

[DangerDave]

That one is right on the money Cleo, and I am sending it to a few "individuals" now!

DD

[cosmiccat]

21 Indications You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

[LD]

My cat seems to be in the Christmas spirit...

http://www.sportersstudio.com/Pictures/bigboy.jpg

[bobsxxxmovies]

Originally Posted by JackDaniel's

Here is something for all firefox lovers It's not a Christmas joke but I think it's extremely cute

That's one lucky pussy

[Simon]

I got a laugh from this one.

~tune of Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer~

Maxi was a big nosed reindeer,
all the other reindeer used to call him names,
they said he should be called concorde,
cause he had a hooter like an aeroplane.

Then one stormy winters night,
Santa called because,
"Maxi, we're in for a bumpy flight,
but you can cleave the air with your great big schnoz."

All of the other reindeer,
Shouted "hip hip hip" with glee,
"Maxi now we need you,
You're our friend temporarily."

So Maxi led Santa's sleigh through the winter storms, and brought
them to land in a clearing in the woods. "What's this Maxi?" said Santa,
"This isn't toytown." "No it's not," said Maxi, and he gave a low whistle
and out they came from the woods: The ugly duckling, the sissy duckling,
Rudolph and even the little white bull. And they grabbed Santa's Nazi Aryan
reindeer and wrapped them in chains and dragged them in front of Maxi.
And they said, "Maxi, which one shall we kill?" and he said, "Hoopla, all of
them."

Maxi the big nosed reindeer,
You've gone on a killing spree,
Cause all the other reindeer didn't understand,
Basic psychology.



.

[ScreaM]

lol good one Simon.

[Bobc01]

The only one i know is the similarity between Santa and Michael jackson who both leave kids bedrooms with empty sacks.