How to deal with this?

stuveltje · 2006-09-08, 12:41 PM

oke this is what happend:
My daughter goes to highschool now and she goes by bike with friends, now for 11 years i brought her to school by car and i picked her up, a big change for the little lady but she loved it to go by bike...untill this midday.....this midday when the was driving home she saw an accident, she saw a old man on a bike got hit by a old woman in a car, she saw the old man under the car with his head infront of one of the wheels of the car...she saw all, she is totally upsett and refuse to use her bike to go to school, she beggs me to bring her by car. i do understand she is afraid, but i am also afraids ones i bring her she never will get used to the traffic and will never go her own way, she keeps saying, it happend right infront of me, it could have bin me.

kitty_kate · 2006-09-08, 12:49 PM

You could drive her to school for a little while, until she forgets the whole thing. Maybe you could explain her that the every day life is full of dangers, but you must take the risk.

virgohippy · 2006-09-08, 01:30 PM

I assume you're saying the old man got killed?

Death is a pretty traumatic thing, but I agree with kitty_kate, remind your daughter that life is about taking risks. Use this as an opportunity to impress the importance of wearing a helmet, and being extra careful.

But, IMO, helping her to avoid her fear, by driving her, will probably do more harm later than good now.

My father (the good one) could be a real hard-ass about stuff like this sometimes. His philosophy on life was when something scary happens you confront it right away... if you wait, it'll overwhelm you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to confront your fear. If you confront it immediately, even just a little bit, at least you'll be able to do something later.

I don't think I'd have the fortitude to handle life if it wasn't for that hard-ass philosophy of his.

If I were in your position I'd tell her she needs to get on her bike and ride, if only for a short distance. Down the street one block, or something, is fine. But there's no way I'd let her stay off of her bike completely.

Biking is something she enjoyed. Being a bit cruel now will insure that she continues to enjoy it later.

stuveltje · 2006-09-08, 01:36 PM

its one road straight for her to get at her school, about 10 minutes on her bike, but she has to go over the railwaystation thing, there its dangerouse, not to much space for cars and bikes, the accident was strange, the lady was waiting and when the old man came infront her car, she pushed the gas thing, even when the man was under her car her wheels where still spinning, she ditn passed out or something like that, all my daughter can see is that vision, the man under the car and the wheels spinning, this suck, i try to talk into her, she enjoyed the drive by bike, she does with her friends, she watch the traffic closely, this was just an freaken strange accident, which hardly happens. i think i will drive her for 2 days and see if she want to go by bike again, i wonder if she gets nightmares

spacemanspiff · 2006-09-08, 02:29 PM

Wow, that's a tough one. My first thought was would I even let her ride her bike to school, but I'm sure the situation is very different here. I'm not even sure kids are allowed to ride their bikes to school. The roads are just not set up for bikes, and quite frankly the idiots in the cars are just too stupid.

Maybe you could get some statistics on bike accidents in your area and if it's a rare thing use that to get her back to doing something she enjoys, with a caution to be extra careful.

Of course if it's really common....

MrYum · 2006-09-08, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by virgohippy

I assume you're saying the old man got killed?

Death is a pretty traumatic thing, but I agree with kitty_kate, remind your daughter that life is about taking risks. Use this as an opportunity to impress the importance of wearing a helmet, and being extra careful.

But, IMO, helping her to avoid her fear, by driving her, will probably do more harm later than good now.

My father (the good one) could be a real hard-ass about stuff like this sometimes. His philosophy on life was when something scary happens you confront it right away... if you wait, it'll overwhelm you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to confront your fear. If you confront it immediately, even just a little bit, at least you'll be able to do something later.

I don't think I'd have the fortitude to handle life if it wasn't for that hard-ass philosophy of his.

If I were in your position I'd tell her she needs to get on her bike and ride, if only for a short distance. Down the street one block, or something, is fine. But there's no way I'd let her stay off of her bike completely.

Biking is something she enjoyed. Being a bit cruel now will insure that she continues to enjoy it later.

Geez, that's pretty sound advice from a Hippy

Seriously Stu...I'd have to agree that it's best for her to get right back on that horse and ride. She's old enough to realize that life does come with some risk. The important thing is to minimize that risk by being smart and being careful.

Sit down and talk to her in a way only mom can...she'll get it. After all, she must be pretty smart...she's got you for a mom

stuveltje · 2006-09-08, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrYum

Geez, that's pretty sound advice from a Hippy

Seriously Stu...I'd have to agree that it's best for her to get right back on that horse and ride. She's old enough to realize that life does come with some risk. The important thing is to minimize that risk by being smart and being careful.

Sit down and talk to her in a way only mom can...she'll get it. After all, she must be pretty smart...she's got you for a mom

grin your sweet MrYum, but you know these times are different then when i was kid, if it depends my kids then i am very protected, this time isnt like the old days, i know i was 7 and drive on my bike everywhere i wanted to go, i forbid my kids to drive everywhere when they had the age of 7, the fast driving from cars and more stuff, i think i have bin over protected, how can you talk a vision out of the head of your kid seeing a man bleeding under a car and his head by that spinning wheel, still i think she will manage it, but not right away, i cant ask that from her, she is still a kid.

JustRobert · 2006-09-08, 03:19 PM

I agree with you, virgohippy and MrYum and combine them all.

Talk to her like only a Mom can. Drive her to school for a couple days and point out all the other kids riding their bikes. Since its the weekend go on a bike ride with her reminding her how much fun it is but definitely get her on that bike. That alone will help her move forward even if she does not think so.

Wish you the best of luck

SirMoby · 2006-09-08, 05:53 PM

I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice.

1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient.

2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot.

3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it.

Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

stuveltje · 2006-09-08, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirMoby

I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice.

1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient.

2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot.

3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it.

Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

thanks Sir Moby, i notice this eve she got very hyper i asked her to relax a bit its not healthy to react like this, she said i wanna do it, but i cant get my mint of that man under that car, i think i will do it like you say, drive her to school and talk into her, a friend of her said, finally something happend around here, but then he didnt saw it happen, thats totally different, i feel pitty for her, but i am gonna try it the way you said, again thanks for the advice

))))))

stuveltje · 2006-09-08, 06:31 PM

btw all thanks for posting on this, you all gave a bit the same advice, drive her and talk into her, damn this was not the way she should experience life, kids have a hard time, i take back the time i complained about my kids giving me a hard time, this isnt the way i want my kids to experience life, they are to young for that

MrYum · 2006-09-08, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirMoby

I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice.

1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient.

2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot.

3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it.

Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

Very cool of you to do that Moby

juggernaut · 2006-09-08, 10:58 PM

Ah just forget about it, in a few years she'll be driving. Kids tend to get by things in their own way no matter what a parent does. There was crazy shit that happend to all of us when we were growing up. I was raised with the getting tossed in the pool type of family. If you have the time ride the a bike with her a few times to school. Point out the safe routes. If she still can't get passed it, then just drive her. But I honestly have this feeling that if you drive her she is going to be worse off. Some place in the back of her head she will think daddy will take care of everything bad in life, which we all know won't happen. But being she is young, I can't stess enough riding with her. I think after a few times she will see that was just a freak thing, it's not every day someone see's someone get run over. Riding, walking, driving all just as dangerous.

susanna · 2006-09-08, 11:46 PM

She has seen something that is traumatic. Your reaction is actually very important! You must recognize her fears and NEVER say "oh buck up thats just life and death" or "we all die some day" or what ever. Always tell her that you understand her fears. You understand how terrible it must have been to see etc. The next thing you do though is show her that you have to keep going. User similar experiences to talk to her about. Tell her something that would be similar but you get to add how you dealt with it. Maybe you had a similar experience sometime or a friend who did or what ever and you go the next step with the conversation to say that "it was hard to stop thinking about it but I did get back on the bike, car, bus whatever" and it was ok after a while. Tell her that its a good thing that she remembers what happened because it will help to remind her to be safe etc. Keep acknowledging her fears but be realistic about the next step.

This is the kind of thing that, if ignored, can turn into post traumatic stress and a number of other things like her really focusing on never riding a bike or even driving a car. You need to acknowledge and move on...acknowledge and talk about how you move on in difficult times. It can be anything like being fired from a job or accused of stealing in school etc etc. How do you move on when big things happen? you concentrate on positive etc.

I also agree that getting on the bike (on her terms) for something fun would be a good idea. Ask her how and where that should be.

Saturnin · 2006-09-09, 04:28 AM

My bike is my car (Amsterdam and all that), and I've had a few near misses. My suggestion is see if there are safe alternative routes that she can take for a while. (I do this from time to time as some people who ride bikes in this town are just asking for problems.) This gives the option of still riding your bike, but not having to pass the dangerous or scary spots for a while....

sue-fl · 2006-09-09, 09:53 AM

Well Stu you've gotten some great advice. You know we all want to protect our kids from trama, sorry your daughter had to see that. I think the advice Sir Molby got for you is perfect. The fact that she has a good mom to help her get threw it will help her to heal and get back on her bike. Best of luck to both of you

babymaker · 2006-09-09, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirMoby

I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice.

1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient.

2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot.

3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it.

Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

Now that's what i call service

JustRobert · 2006-09-09, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrYum

Very cool of you to do that Moby

I second that as well, very kind of you indeed

docholly · 2006-09-09, 11:45 AM

I like the idea of taking her on fun rides.. or maybe you can ride your bike with her to school for a few times as well.

that's a hard thing to see even as an adult.

and i don't subscribe to the thought process that just because it was done to us as children (see jugg's post) that it's right because look how fucked up all of us are.. *rolling eyes*.. perhaps if our parents had taken the time to actually TALK to us instead of everything being a fucking secret (thats for those over like 35) maybe it would be a better world.. OR maybe not..

and for the record:

Quote:

Originally Posted by juggernaut

But I honestly have this feeling that if you drive her she is going to be worse off. Some place in the back of her head she will think daddy will take care of everything bad in life, which we all know won't happen.

Stu is MOMMY not Daddy..

virgohippy · 2006-09-09, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirMoby

I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice.

1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient.

2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot.

3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it.

Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

Probably less potential for emotional scarring if you do it nice and easy that way.

stuveltje · 2006-09-10, 07:48 AM

we did go on the bike yesterday (saturday), she didnt mind that, she only didnt wanna drive the route where the accident happend, all went fine, we did saw she was a bit nerveuse, but we told her if you wanna stop then tell so and we will stop.We talked alot about the accident with her yesterday, indeed explained again it was a freaky accident which will only happen ones in a lifetime, some minutes ago she asked me if she could walk to the place where the accident happen, she didnt wanted me to go there with her, but she was going there with her friends who also saw it all ( i have noticed she talked alot with her friends about it) i told her she could go there, i dont know if it was the right choise, but if that is what she and her friends wants and it will help her to deal with what she saw then its alright with me.

Toby · 2006-09-10, 10:22 AM

It appears that she is beginning to deal with it in her own way. As the cliche says, "Time heals all wounds."

JustRobert · 2006-09-10, 11:22 AM

That is very good to hear. It may still take some time to deal with it but at least it seems to have started.

stuveltje · 2006-09-10, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustRobert

That is very good to hear. It may still take some time to deal with it but at least it seems to have started.

yep, they stayed there about 20 minutes , talking and overlooking the traffic, still she wants me to take her by car tomorrow, btw more of her friends will go now by car to school, i will do that till she say she wanna try by bike again, she is going very well thu all of this.

virgohippy · 2006-09-10, 02:07 PM

Glad to hear she's strong enough to take the initiative herself.

And talking with her friends a lot seems like a good thing too. Talking about the experience openly with other people who understand (like others who were there) can certainly help the healing process.

2006-09-08, 12:41 PM	#1
stuveltje Live and learn. And take very careful notes! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Sunny Holland Posts: 6,157	How to deal with this? oke this is what happend: My daughter goes to highschool now and she goes by bike with friends, now for 11 years i brought her to school by car and i picked her up, a big change for the little lady but she loved it to go by bike...untill this midday.....this midday when the was driving home she saw an accident, she saw a old man on a bike got hit by a old woman in a car, she saw the old man under the car with his head infront of one of the wheels of the car...she saw all, she is totally upsett and refuse to use her bike to go to school, she beggs me to bring her by car. i do understand she is afraid, but i am also afraids ones i bring her she never will get used to the traffic and will never go her own way, she keeps saying, it happend right infront of me, it could have bin me. __________________ Canadian Sexlinks - submit Erotica search -submit

2006-09-08, 12:49 PM	#2
kitty_kate Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The Colloseum Posts: 155	You could drive her to school for a little while, until she forgets the whole thing. Maybe you could explain her that the every day life is full of dangers, but you must take the risk. __________________ My Asian Kitty - My Free Sites

2006-09-08, 01:30 PM	#3
virgohippy Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little... push. Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: California Posts: 1,679	I assume you're saying the old man got killed? Death is a pretty traumatic thing, but I agree with kitty_kate, remind your daughter that life is about taking risks. Use this as an opportunity to impress the importance of wearing a helmet, and being extra careful. But, IMO, helping her to avoid her fear, by driving her, will probably do more harm later than good now. My father (the good one) could be a real hard-ass about stuff like this sometimes. His philosophy on life was when something scary happens you confront it right away... if you wait, it'll overwhelm you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to confront your fear. If you confront it immediately, even just a little bit, at least you'll be able to do something later. I don't think I'd have the fortitude to handle life if it wasn't for that hard-ass philosophy of his. If I were in your position I'd tell her she needs to get on her bike and ride, if only for a short distance. Down the street one block, or something, is fine. But there's no way I'd let her stay off of her bike completely. Biking is something she enjoyed. Being a bit cruel now will insure that she continues to enjoy it later. __________________ ~Warm and Fuzzy.

2006-09-08, 01:36 PM	#4
stuveltje Live and learn. And take very careful notes! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Sunny Holland Posts: 6,157	its one road straight for her to get at her school, about 10 minutes on her bike, but she has to go over the railwaystation thing, there its dangerouse, not to much space for cars and bikes, the accident was strange, the lady was waiting and when the old man came infront her car, she pushed the gas thing, even when the man was under her car her wheels where still spinning, she ditn passed out or something like that, all my daughter can see is that vision, the man under the car and the wheels spinning, this suck, i try to talk into her, she enjoyed the drive by bike, she does with her friends, she watch the traffic closely, this was just an freaken strange accident, which hardly happens. i think i will drive her for 2 days and see if she want to go by bike again, i wonder if she gets nightmares __________________ Canadian Sexlinks - submit Erotica search -submit

2006-09-08, 02:29 PM	#5
spacemanspiff Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Looz-e-anna Posts: 1,015	Wow, that's a tough one. My first thought was would I even let her ride her bike to school, but I'm sure the situation is very different here. I'm not even sure kids are allowed to ride their bikes to school. The roads are just not set up for bikes, and quite frankly the idiots in the cars are just too stupid. Maybe you could get some statistics on bike accidents in your area and if it's a rare thing use that to get her back to doing something she enjoys, with a caution to be extra careful. Of course if it's really common.... __________________ Submit your free sites to Free Sex Pics

2006-09-08, 03:19 PM	#8
JustRobert Bow Ties Are Cool Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: California Posts: 9,395	I agree with you, virgohippy and MrYum and combine them all. Talk to her like only a Mom can. Drive her to school for a couple days and point out all the other kids riding their bikes. Since its the weekend go on a bike ride with her reminding her how much fun it is but definitely get her on that bike. That alone will help her move forward even if she does not think so. Wish you the best of luck __________________ Submit Your Galleries To The Porn Luv Network!

2006-09-08, 05:53 PM	#9
SirMoby Jim? I heard he's a dirty pornographer. Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Washington, DC Posts: 2,706	I took the liberty of chatting with a school psychologist (Susan a few houses down) and someone studying to be a school psychologist (my lovely wife) and they both had the same advice. 1. This is very traumatic. It's not like falling off a horse and bruising your butt. It's a gruesome death or near death. Be patient. 2. Drive her to school for a few days and see how she reacts going past that spot. 3. Try to get her into happy situations involving bikes (some people recommended taking her on a bike ride yourself) but don't push it. Personally I would have started pushing the issue after a few days but these two recommended to not push it.

2006-09-08, 06:31 PM	#11
stuveltje Live and learn. And take very careful notes! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Sunny Holland Posts: 6,157	btw all thanks for posting on this, you all gave a bit the same advice, drive her and talk into her, damn this was not the way she should experience life, kids have a hard time, i take back the time i complained about my kids giving me a hard time, this isnt the way i want my kids to experience life, they are to young for that __________________ Canadian Sexlinks - submit Erotica search -submit Last edited by stuveltje; 2006-09-08 at 06:54 PM..

2006-09-08, 10:58 PM	#13
juggernaut Registered User Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Central Jersey! If I was rich and powerful I would dress as my avatar does. Posts: 1,448	Ah just forget about it, in a few years she'll be driving. Kids tend to get by things in their own way no matter what a parent does. There was crazy shit that happend to all of us when we were growing up. I was raised with the getting tossed in the pool type of family. If you have the time ride the a bike with her a few times to school. Point out the safe routes. If she still can't get passed it, then just drive her. But I honestly have this feeling that if you drive her she is going to be worse off. Some place in the back of her head she will think daddy will take care of everything bad in life, which we all know won't happen. But being she is young, I can't stess enough riding with her. I think after a few times she will see that was just a freak thing, it's not every day someone see's someone get run over. Riding, walking, driving all just as dangerous.

2006-09-08, 11:46 PM	#14
susanna Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 114	She has seen something that is traumatic. Your reaction is actually very important! You must recognize her fears and NEVER say "oh buck up thats just life and death" or "we all die some day" or what ever. Always tell her that you understand her fears. You understand how terrible it must have been to see etc. The next thing you do though is show her that you have to keep going. User similar experiences to talk to her about. Tell her something that would be similar but you get to add how you dealt with it. Maybe you had a similar experience sometime or a friend who did or what ever and you go the next step with the conversation to say that "it was hard to stop thinking about it but I did get back on the bike, car, bus whatever" and it was ok after a while. Tell her that its a good thing that she remembers what happened because it will help to remind her to be safe etc. Keep acknowledging her fears but be realistic about the next step. This is the kind of thing that, if ignored, can turn into post traumatic stress and a number of other things like her really focusing on never riding a bike or even driving a car. You need to acknowledge and move on...acknowledge and talk about how you move on in difficult times. It can be anything like being fired from a job or accused of stealing in school etc etc. How do you move on when big things happen? you concentrate on positive etc. I also agree that getting on the bike (on her terms) for something fun would be a good idea. Ask her how and where that should be. __________________ Susanna

2006-09-09, 04:28 AM	#15
Saturnin A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Edge of the Universe Posts: 53	My bike is my car (Amsterdam and all that), and I've had a few near misses. My suggestion is see if there are safe alternative routes that she can take for a while. (I do this from time to time as some people who ride bikes in this town are just asking for problems.) This gives the option of still riding your bike, but not having to pass the dangerous or scary spots for a while....

2006-09-09, 09:53 AM	#16
sue-fl You can now put whatever you want in this space :) Join Date: May 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 2,837	Well Stu you've gotten some great advice. You know we all want to protect our kids from trama, sorry your daughter had to see that. I think the advice Sir Molby got for you is perfect. The fact that she has a good mom to help her get threw it will help her to heal and get back on her bike. Best of luck to both of you

2006-09-10, 07:48 AM	#21
stuveltje Live and learn. And take very careful notes! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Sunny Holland Posts: 6,157	we did go on the bike yesterday (saturday), she didnt mind that, she only didnt wanna drive the route where the accident happend, all went fine, we did saw she was a bit nerveuse, but we told her if you wanna stop then tell so and we will stop.We talked alot about the accident with her yesterday, indeed explained again it was a freaky accident which will only happen ones in a lifetime, some minutes ago she asked me if she could walk to the place where the accident happen, she didnt wanted me to go there with her, but she was going there with her friends who also saw it all ( i have noticed she talked alot with her friends about it) i told her she could go there, i dont know if it was the right choise, but if that is what she and her friends wants and it will help her to deal with what she saw then its alright with me. __________________ Canadian Sexlinks - submit Erotica search -submit

2006-09-10, 10:22 AM	#22
Toby Lonewolf Internet Sales Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Houston Posts: 4,826	It appears that she is beginning to deal with it in her own way. As the cliche says, "Time heals all wounds." __________________ Latex Vixens Babes In Boots Well Heeled Women Dressing For Sex Stocking Vixens

2006-09-10, 11:22 AM	#23
JustRobert Bow Ties Are Cool Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: California Posts: 9,395	That is very good to hear. It may still take some time to deal with it but at least it seems to have started. __________________ Submit Your Galleries To The Porn Luv Network!

2006-09-10, 02:07 PM	#25
virgohippy Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little... push. Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: California Posts: 1,679	Glad to hear she's strong enough to take the initiative herself. And talking with her friends a lot seems like a good thing too. Talking about the experience openly with other people who understand (like others who were there) can certainly help the healing process. __________________ ~Warm and Fuzzy.