[Pagan]

That nasty black dog of depression has really had a hold on me. Yeah, the stone is gone but I still hurt. I get to see a doctor for the first time on December 4th. Maybe then we will start to get some answers. I am no longer hopeful. Our doctors here don't seem to be interested at all in doing any kind of preventive care - not even dietary counseling or other non-medication things that can be done to make this better. Don't look for the reasons for the kidney stones -- it is easier to play watch and wait when they happen rather then try to keep them from forming.

Not long after we learned that Cristal had in fact left (the stone was gone), the dark funk hit hard. If we had any kind of schedule here, it probably would have helped a lot but we don't. So, that nasty cold gloom is free to wander around and sap my energy, muddle my thoughts, and generally screw up everything possible. Even working on the Christmas ornaments I am sending to Ronald McDonald House hasn't cheered me up, and that always has in the past.

When I found out about the kidney stone, I stopped taking the vitamin D3 daily supplement as well as the CBD oil. It wasn't so bad in September, but the depression started hitting in October. Now, in November, with only about 8 hours of light, I am totally off the wall depressed and even a bit worse. Yesterday, I decided fuck it. I would rather deal with a kidney stone or two than this gloom. I started back on the D3 and CBD oil. If it isn't better by the time I go to the doctor, I will beg for something stronger.

In the meantime, I have set myself on a schedule. The daily birthday post will be done within 2 hours of my waking up -- whenever that is. Grunt work helps too because then I have a reason to get off my lazy ass and do something. No grunt work means I get to go screw off somewhere else. (Yeah, you can tell I am still in the funk.)

Enjoy your day....